“I absolutely HATE those intolerant people!”
Notice anything oxymoronic in the above sentence?
In a recent session, Julia grumbled that the dating scene in New York was so miserable that she wanted OUT, complaining to me: “There was this one guy who was really sweet, sensitive, and worldly. But he’s so health conscious that he said he would NEVER eat any hotdogs in his life.”
“Is that a problem for you that he does not eat hotdogs?” I wondered aloud.
“Well, I am not a big fan of junk food but I dislike those types of intolerant people. I prefer everything in moderation.”
Of course, Julia did not realize that she herself was being intolerant by establishing rigid boundaries between what she found acceptable and unacceptable in a mate.
The hotdog factor is merely one of a myriad of excuses she has adopted to justify longer seeing someone. Her list also includes “too European,” “too American,” “too young, “too old,” too artistic,” and it goes on and on.
Don’t get me wrong, it is important to know what requirements are deal-breakers in a relationship. However, these requirements should be essential values instead of picky, un-examined concepts. For example, what does “too artistic” really mean? And why is that a bad thing for a relationship?
We actually attract people with the vibrations we send out. All our relationships are like mirrors of ourselves. We tend to run away when we encounter something we do not want to see in the mirror.
Only when I calm down and look inside, can I see my authentic self. I can then fully embrace who I am and stop demanding that others behave in a certain way to make me feel better about myself.
Julia attracted those abominably “intolerant” people into her life without even noticing her own intolerant traits. Nor did she ever have the awareness to acknowledge it.
My life coaching tip for singles (those who “always” attract wrong people) is to work on yourself first. Intimacy is “into me I see”. You can not establish an intimate relationship before you are able to see into yourself and know yourself intimately. By doing so, you will inevitably develop more compassion for yourself and for your future partner.
Now, try to identify your “hotdog factor”- something that has irritated you repeatedly in your past dates, and see if you can’t find that same trait in yourself. Once you shed some light on it, it will begin to ease its grasp on you.