Why Self-Love Is Harder Than It Sounds

Self-love is one of those beautiful but slippery concepts we all want to believe in. You’ve probably heard phrases like “You have to love yourself first” or “You are enough.” Maybe you’ve even written them in a journal or taped them to a mirror. But somewhere deep down, part of you still wonders:

What does that actually mean? And why is it so hard to feel true?

Does loving yourself mean you like your appearance? Does it mean you’re confident all the time? Does it mean you’ve forgiven every mistake you’ve ever made and now live in some kind of serene bubble of self-approval?

The truth is, self-love isn’t a state you arrive at. It’s not a feeling you unlock once and then get to keep forever. It’s more like a relationship you build over time. And just like any relationship, it can be messy, confusing, or even painful at times. Especially when you’re navigating a world that has taught you to strive, compare, and fix yourself.

Most of us weren’t raised to love ourselves.

We were raised to succeed. To achieve. To perform.

We learned how to please others, follow rules, improve, and fit in.

But we weren’t taught how to listen to ourselves. We weren’t taught how to sit with discomfort. We weren’t taught how to stay with ourselves through the full range of human experience.

And so, instead of compassion, our inner voice often sounds like critique.

Instead of acceptance, we reach for control.

Instead of love, we cling to self-improvement.

But there’s another way.

And that’s where coaching can be a profound support.

What Coaching Can Offer That Self-Help Books Can’t

You might already know the tools. You might already understand the concepts. You’ve read the books. You’ve listened to the podcasts. You’ve tried journaling, affirmations, and meditation.

But knowing isn’t the same as integrating.

And tools alone don’t teach you how to be with yourself.

That’s the real magic of coaching:

It’s not about being told what to do.

It’s about being met. Witnessed. Held.

When a coach is skilled and grounded in presence, they become a mirror that reflects you back to yourself, but in a way that feels spacious and kind.

They don’t try to fix you. They sit with you, ask questions, and invite you to pause long enough to notice what’s real beneath the surface.

Here’s what that can look like:

You show up to a session feeling overwhelmed or scattered. You expect to be told to “get it together.” Instead, your coach simply says: What’s here right now? And they mean it.
You speak about something you’re struggling with—something you haven’t even admitted to a friend—and your coach doesn’t rush to solve it. They say: That makes so much sense.
You confess something you’re ashamed of. Instead of recoiling or judging, your coach stays with you. They help you stay with yourself.
And over time, you start to internalize this way of being.
You start to offer yourself the kind of presence your coach models.
You learn that it’s safe to be seen—even when you don’t have it all figured out.

Why Self-Love Is Often the Missing Piece in Personal Growth

A lot of personal development is built around change. Improvement. Goals. And there’s nothing wrong with that—growth is beautiful.

But if the foundation of your growth is rejection—I need to be better so I can finally like myself—then no amount of success will ever feel like enough.

Self-love doesn’t mean you stop growing. It means you stop growing from a place of fear.

It means you start asking:

What if I could grow because I care about myself, not because I think I’m broken?
What if I could set goals not to prove my worth, but to express it?

And these shifts don’t come from reading more books. They come from being in the experience of compassion. From slowing down. From practicing presence with another person who holds that possibility for you—until you can hold it for yourself.

What Coaching Clients Say About Learning to Love Themselves

We’ve worked with hundreds of coaching clients over the years—from high-achievers and creatives to people navigating huge life transitions. And no matter their background, this theme keeps showing up.

They come in wanting clarity, purpose, or confidence.

They often leave with something more powerful:

a softer relationship with themselves.

Here’s how some of them have described it:

“I used to think something was wrong with me because I couldn’t keep up. Coaching helped me see that my exhaustion wasn’t a flaw—it was a signal. I started listening to my body for the first time.”
“I had a hard time making decisions because I was so scared of messing up. My coach helped me hear the part of me that already knew—and trust that she was allowed to speak.”
“I didn’t know what self-love meant before this. Now, I catch myself speaking to myself like I’d speak to a friend. That alone has changed everything.”

These aren’t just emotional wins. These shifts ripple outward into careers, relationships, health, and how people show up in the world. Because when you stop fighting yourself, you free up so much energy. And that energy gets to go toward building a life that actually fits.

The Role of Mindfulness and Acceptance

Many coaches, including the ones we train, use mindfulness practices not as trendy add-ons, but as essential tools. Because without presence, self-love is just a concept.

Mindfulness helps you come home to yourself—again and again.

When you’re stuck in regret, it helps you meet what happened without shame.
When you’re anxious about what’s next, it helps you notice the fear without letting it take over.
When you’re in self-judgment, it helps you remember: There’s nothing wrong with being human.

And over time, you begin to build a new habit. Not of fixing, but of noticing. Not of pushing, but of pausing.

It’s in that space that real transformation happens.

Because when you learn to stay with yourself, especially when it’s uncomfortable, you start to trust yourself.

And when you trust yourself, you don’t need to prove anything.

That’s the beginning of peace. That’s the beginning of self-love.

For Coaches: Why This Work Starts With You

If you’re considering becoming a coach, here’s the truth no one tells you:

The most important coaching tool is you.

Your presence. Your ability to stay grounded. Your capacity to hold space for another human without jumping in to fix, judge, or perform.

And you can only do that when you’ve practiced it with yourself.

That’s why coach training—real, deep, transformative training—isn’t just about frameworks and techniques. It’s about becoming someone who can model a new way of being. Someone who listens. Who slows down. Who helps others feel safe enough to be real.

In our coach training program, we say:
You can only take a client as far as you’ve gone yourself.

That’s not meant to intimidate you.

It’s meant to empower you.

Because you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing.

To keep doing your own work. To keep softening where you’ve been hard.

To keep meeting yourself with the same compassion you’ll one day offer others.

Why Self-Compassion Is a Core Skill for Coaches

If you’re considering becoming a coach, this is where the work begins. Not with certifications or frameworks, even though those matter. It starts with your own capacity to meet yourself with kindness.

Because coaching isn’t just about helping others reach goals. At its heart, it’s about creating space—space where people feel safe enough to bring their whole selves. And that means you, as the coach, must first know how to hold space for yourself.

You can’t offer what you haven’t practiced.

That’s why in coach training, we don’t just teach you how to ask powerful questions or guide a session. We also help you build emotional resilience, self-awareness, and the ability to stay present with discomfort—your own and your client’s.

For example:

You learn how to notice your inner critic, not just override it.
You become more comfortable with silence, both internally and in conversation.
You learn how to offer curiosity instead of judgment, even when someone (including you) is struggling.

In our coach training program, we often say:
You can only take a client as far as you’ve gone yourself.

That’s not meant to intimidate you. It’s an invitation. To keep doing your own work. To keep softening. To keep growing.

Because self-compassion is not just a personal healing tool—it’s a professional superpower.

Clients feel it. They trust it. And they grow in it, because of you.

What Happens When You Feel Truly Seen

There’s something that happens in coaching that’s hard to describe but impossible to forget.

You say something out loud that you’ve never said before.

Maybe it’s a secret dream. Maybe it’s an old wound.

And instead of being met with advice or analysis, your coach just sees you.

They say, I hear you.

They say, That makes so much sense.

They say, Let’s be with this together.

In that moment, you realize:

You don’t have to hide.
You don’t have to earn love by being different.
You are already enough, just as you are.

That experience alone can change you.

And once you’ve felt it, you can never un-know it.

You begin to trust your own inner voice.

You begin to relate to yourself with tenderness.

You begin to let go of the mask.

And from there, everything begins to shift.

Coaching as a Practice of Presence and Permission

At its core, coaching is not about fixing people.

It’s about helping them remember who they are.

It’s about helping them feel safe enough to stop performing and start being.

And that’s what self-love looks like:

Saying, This moment is enough.
Saying, I am not a problem to solve.
Saying, I can be whole and still want more—but I don’t have to earn my worth.

Whether you’re looking to receive this kind of support—or offer it to others—coaching is an invitation to live more honestly, more gently, and more fully.

You don’t have to do it alone.

You don’t have to be fixed to begin.

Explore Coaching or Coach Training with Us

Whether you’re feeling curious about working with a coach or exploring coach training, we’d love to connect. This is deep, transformative work—and it’s more accessible than you might think.

Check out our FREE intro Class for the Coach Training Program