There’s a reason so many people struggle with confidence, but it’s rarely named out loud. It hides behind overthinking, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and self-doubt. It whispers, “You’re not enough,” no matter what you do.

That reason is shame.

Not the kind of shame you talk about over coffee with friends. This shame is deeper. Quieter. More private. It’s a secret belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Not just that you made a mistake, but that you are a mistake.

This kind of shame stops people from speaking up, taking risks, setting boundaries, and going after their goals. And they often don’t even realize it’s shame that’s holding them back.

If you’re a coach or someone training to become one, learning how to help people work with shame is essential. Because confidence isn’t just about skill-building. It’s about healing the pain that tells someone they’re not worthy of having what they want.

Shame Is Often Unexpressed Pain

Shame doesn’t always begin with a big traumatic event. Often, it’s the accumulation of smaller moments that creates silent wounds.

A time you were told you were “too much” or “not enough”
A mistake you made that you never forgave yourself for
A season where you were dismissed, silenced, or judged

Those moments leave a mark. And when the pain of those experiences is never processed, it becomes internalized.

Shame is unexpressed pain that turns inward.

Instead of saying, “That hurt,” the brain says, “That happened because I’m bad.” Over time, this belief becomes a lens through which people see themselves, even if consciously they’re trying to move forward.

And when shame is driving the internal story, confidence stays out of reach.

Real-Life Example: Sofia’s Story

Sofia was in her 30s when she decided to work with a coach to get clearer about her next steps in her career. She had a solid job and a decent salary, but something always held her back when she thought about going for a bigger role.

As she started working with her coach, she mentioned a sense of self-doubt and discomfort with being seen. When they explored deeper, a story emerged — a choice she made in her early twenties that she regretted. She never told anyone, but it lived in her as a quiet weight. It whispered, “You’re not the kind of person who deserves more.”

This internalized shame kept her from:

Applying for leadership roles
Accepting compliments without doubt
Setting healthy boundaries (she overworked just to feel “good enough”)

Through coaching, she began naming the experience, understanding the pain underneath it, and slowly releasing the self-judgment that had shaped her for years. Once she did, the actions she once avoided (speaking up, asking for more, setting boundaries) became possible.

Another Example: Jason’s Hidden Fear of Exposure

Jason, a talented designer in his late 40s, often avoided sharing his work. His peers admired his creativity, but he second-guessed every project, spending hours reworking things no one had asked him to revise.

He shared with me, “I just don’t want to embarrass myself,” but what came out through exploration was a story from the past. He had been publicly shamed by a teacher for “showing off” when he was just excited to share something he had made.

The shame from that moment never left. It told him that being visible meant being attacked. So he shrank back, edited himself constantly, and felt like a fraud even when praised.

By helping Jason reconnect with that early memory and reframe it, he was able to move through the fear that had shaped decades of creative hesitation. The result? He presented confidently for the first time at a major industry event.

How Shame Blocks Confidence and Feeds Imposter Syndrome

Shame disconnects people from their core worth. When someone feels that their value depends on performance or perfection, confidence can never fully take root.

This is also where impostor syndrome grows.

Imposter syndrome isn’t just about self-doubt. It’s the fear that if people really knew you, your story, your struggles, your mistakes, they’d question your legitimacy. It’s shame wearing the mask of overachievement.

Coaching people through impostor syndrome means helping them separate their identity from their performance. It means reminding them that they are worthy even when they are still growing.

The ETA Process: Emotion, Thought, Action

One of the tools we use in our confidence-building process is the ETA Process, which stands for Emotion, Thought, Action. It helps people develop emotional awareness and respond to life with intention, not reactivity.

Here’s how it works:

1. Emotion

Identify the emotion you’re feeling. Don’t rush past it.

Ask yourself: • What am I feeling?

Where do I feel it in my body?
Can I take a few deep breaths and just stay with the feeling?

The 90-second rule says that strong emotions, when felt without resistance, take about 90 seconds to move through the body. By breathing and noticing, we give the brain and nervous system a chance to settle.

2. Thought

Next, ask:

What thought or story triggered this feeling?
Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?
Have I felt this way before?

This is where patterns become visible. Often, the same belief (“I’m not good enough,” “I always mess up,” “They’ll leave if I speak up”) keeps resurfacing. Naming it gives you power.

3. Action

Now look at what the emotion and thought led you to do.

Ask:

What action did I take (or avoid)?
What other action could I choose instead?
What would it look like to respond from clarity, not fear?

This process is about interrupting automatic reactions and choosing a new path, one that aligns with your truth.

Helping Clients Take Confident Action Despite Shame

Shame tells people to wait until they “feel ready.” But confidence doesn’t show up first. It grows when you take action, especially when you don’t feel ready.

In Week 2 of our coaching program, we invite clients to build emotional resilience and self-trust through action. It’s not about doing more. It’s about choosing with intention.

Here’s what we guide clients to do:

Track one small action each day that requires courage. This could be asking a question in a meeting, setting a boundary, or trying something new.
Reflect on how their strengths supported them. Did they use empathy, focus, humor, resilience, or honesty?
Use affirmations daily. Not cheesy hype, but grounded truths: “I am growing.” “My voice matters.” “I can take up space.”
Celebrate every win. Shame says, “That wasn’t good enough.” You get to say, “That mattered.”

Five Ways to Reframe Shame and Rebuild Confidence

These are five powerful mindset shifts you can share with your clients — or use yourself — when shame surfaces:

1. Shift from “I am bad” to “I made a mistake.”

Shame says, “I’m a terrible person.”

Reframe: “I made choices I regret, but that doesn’t define who I am. I can grow.”

This shift allows people to learn without compromising their identity.

2. Recognize the unmet need behind the behavior

Shame says, “What I did is unforgivable.”

Reframe: “That behavior came from pain I didn’t know how to express. I can face that pain now with awareness.”

This helps clients find compassion for younger versions of themselves.

3. Honor the courage it takes to face it

Shame says, “If people knew this, they’d walk away.”

Reframe: “Being honest is a sign of courage. It invites connection, not rejection.”

Healing begins when shame is brought into the light.

4. Use the moment as a turning point

Shame says, “This is proof I can’t change.”

Reframe: “This is exactly what I’m being called to transform. My past doesn’t define my future.”

Pain can become fuel for aligned action.

5. Talk to yourself like someone you love

If a close friend told you the same story, you’d respond with empathy and support.

You deserve the same grace. Coaching helps people remember that.

Coaching Clients Through Shame: What Aspiring Coaches Need to Know

If you’re training to become a coach, you’ll encounter clients who don’t name shame directly. But you’ll see the patterns:

“I keep sabotaging myself.”
• “I feel like a fraud.”
• “I can’t seem to move forward.”

These are often signs of shame.

As a coach, you don’t need to fix it. You need to hold space for it. Here’s how:

Reflect back wholeness. Let your client borrow your belief in them.
Stay curious. Ask, “What’s underneath that?” instead of offering advice.
Use the ETA Process. Help them slow down and choose with clarity.
Celebrate their courage. The moment someone shares something tender is a turning point.

When working with shame, remember that progress isn’t linear. Some days your client will feel empowered, other days the old patterns will resurface. Your role is to remain steady, curious, and compassionate while they navigate this inner landscape.

The goal isn’t to eliminate shame entirely. It’s to help clients develop a healthier relationship with it. When shame arises, they can recognize it, understand its message, and choose their response consciously rather than being hijacked by it.

This Is Where Confidence Begins

Confidence is not about perfection. It’s about presence. It’s the ability to show up with your full self, even the parts you once felt you had to hide.

When people move through shame, they come home to themselves. They stop performing and start living. They discover that their worth isn’t contingent on being flawless; it’s inherent in their humanity.

This kind of confidence is sustainable because it’s not built on achievements or external validation. It’s built on self-acceptance and authentic expression. It allows people to take risks, make mistakes, and keep moving forward because they know that their value remains intact regardless of outcomes.

And that’s what coaching is really about: helping people remember who they truly are beneath all the layers of conditioning, shame, and fear.